September 28th, 2017
Cold, sterile, lonely, scary... These are all words used to describe a doctors office exam room. All of which I would describe as accurate. I sit here in the classic hospital blue paper shorts, the paper on the exam table sticking to the backs of my sweaty legs (I just rode here). My feet dangling off the end of the table as I wait for the Doctor I've never met to come tell me my fate based on a bunch of images that look like a 5-year-olds drawing.
It's an Indian summer in Portland this year and the fall weather hasn't fully set in. I should be hitting the trails on a daily basis and taking in all the sunshine I can to stock up on Vitamin D for the coming winter. But instead... I'm here.
2 years ago I hung up my bike and prepared for the hip surgery that was going to fix everything... 2 years later and I still wasn't fixed. You can read about that whole time in my last post " lining up for Failure". I find myself asking, How am I hear again? How is this still happening? I thought this was taken care of. I don't feel sorry for myself but man am I frustrated.
I was recently asked as I was speaking on a panel for Nuun at Interbike " Was it hard for you to step away from racing? And to just be a Team owner and Director?" I lied, I said it was hard but that I found my personal success in the success of the team. That part is true, the part I didn't say was that not only was it hard but it's a constant struggle, I beat myself up constantly over not being strong enough anymore. I skip rides with friends so I don't hold them back and miss out on a lot. To be totally honest I'm sick and tired of talking about this stupid hip. I'm tired of having to explain myself to people because it's an injury you don't notice from the outside, I'm tired of not sleeping because of the constant pain, and being in pain pretty much all the time. But most of all I'm just tired.
So, I'm going on vacation, I'm going to ride my bike in my favorite place with some of my favorite people and make the most of the time I have before I go under the knife... again. If I can say one thing after talking to my hip partner in crime Courtney Mcfadden. Please try and remember just because you can't physically see an injury doesn't mean it's not there. I'm not slow, or bad at bikes. I'm injured. It sucks, but myself and my surgeon are more than optimistic that I will be back and I will be able to train and make gains like I should have the first time. I'm more than ready to get back to training and to find out what my true potential is.
See you on the flip side. And a little note, be nice and understanding to those you may not understand or know the full story. This goes for everyone not just in our secluded secure bike world.